I decided to start writing this blog because I struggle to confide in people. I have never been the greatest communicator and would say that there are only four friends who I trust enough to be able to talk to about issues. however I feel that when I talk to them it just sounds like me moaning about something or rather and so either never tell each one the whole story as I don't want to be constantly bothering them or don't tell them anything at all because again I don't want to bother them with my life.
I would consider myself quite good at analysing a situation between two people or how one person feels about something. I would say I am quite good at this because mostly what I do is either listen to my friends which i like doing because it means I don't have to talk about myself or just in general. I also observe situations in social gatherings. I am what some would describe as quite socially awkward. In one on one conversation i am fine, i am relaxed and just myself. As soon as it becomes a gathering of people I shy away. I will stay buy the side or buy a bar and just keep myself to myself. the only explanation I can give for doing this is that due to my lack of ability to trust someone I feel that if I am open and honest then people who i either don't know or don't trust fully are seeing the real me, and I don't have confidence in the real me being likeable enough to make them want to be friends with me.
Not unsurprisingly I have never been in a relationship. I won’t say my age but I am of an age where majority of people would have definitely had at least one relationship by now. I have had two instances of continued closeness to a person but neither time did it have any officialness to it and was nothing more than a 'hook up' or 'link.'
The first one I had was a few years ago but it was the first teachings I had into the workings of members of the opposite sex. I learnt how to behave around women on a personal level as well as how to take their considerations above mine when planning a joint activity for the two of you. What it didn't teach me was that you have to talk about what you are feeling with this person otherwise you could both be seeing it from a very different point of view. That one ended with me deeply upset and not understanding what i had done to lose such a great person and end what we had.
The second one I had, came from me being a good friend, I never wanted to be the rebound guy and never intended to get into this thing. I have to call it a thing because to me it was more than just hooking up but it was made quite clear throughout it was never a relationship. The person in question had been in quite a lengthy relationship and just as i got to know her, her relationship ended. For close friends i do whatever i physically can to be there for them disregarding my own personal health and feelings. So naturally i wanted to be there for her, i wanted to be the outlet that she had of all her emotions and feelings on the matter. For a good 3 weeks i was. However then it just happened one day, we kissed. I wouldn't have normally made anything of this except that she was the one who kissed me after feeling that I had been giving her signs that i was flirting with her. This is not a ridiculous possibility, she is an incredibly beautiful woman and as good a friend as i am, sub-consciously I guess I am still a guy. The other problem was that this first kiss came just before Valentine’s Day. Had it not happened i would probably have just been with her to spend time with her on Valentine’s Day to make sure she wouldn't be alone for the first time. Because of the kiss i for some reason felt obliged to get her a present. The conundrum came of what do you get a girl who is one of your best friends and you aren’t in a relationship for Valentine’s Day. most of you reading this which i have no clue how many people it will be if anyone will be saying you don't get her anything, it’s a sweet idea but it was one kiss.
I ended up getting her a silver bracelet, it wasn't hugely expensive but it was tasteful and i didn't feel it suggested anything more than you mean a lot to me, the card i got her i was very careful to make sure it didn't have the word "LOVE" written anywhere because it wasn't intended as a card to say i love you. The present went down well and the friendship with a sexual add on, happened quite fruitfully on the side. We were always good friend’s first and sexual partners second.
The idea of keeping it from being a relationship was a) she had just broken up with her bf and I didn't want to be the rebound guy. b) One of the main reasons she broke up with her bf was because she has been with him for ever and had never experienced single life and she panicked and so if she was in a relationship with me then she wasn't single. c) I wasn't sure if I was ready for a relationship yet, I just didn't feel mature enough and d) if we were a couple and we broke up I was quite sure I would lose a friend because if we were to break up then she wouldn't trust me and people trusting me is what I aim for.
over the course of the months I started to change my perspective, I really liked this person, I would pretty much do anything for her and so for her sake of not wanting a relationship or something complicated i didn't tell her my desire to make it more, instead i just hoped that when she was ready to date again she would see me as an obvious choice.
Before anything had happened between us and we were just friends we had booked to do the same thing over the course of the summer. We had always agreed that we wouldn't be together at all where we were because it was important for her to experience single life. So two weeks before we went away we ended what we had. And two weeks before that we had been toning down what we had so it wouldn't be difficult when it came to an end. During this four week period she starts spending more and more time with one of her best friends who has liked her non-stop for 3-4 years. I suspected something may have been happening but i never asked because it wasn’t my place to. She was single as far as it was concerned and I just happened to be a regular hook up not her boyfriend or only guy she was getting with. When i did have it confirmed to me by her that something had happened it hurt, I’m not going to lie. I was hopeful of something happening and as soon as we had become less intense she had been straight in there with him becoming much more than just best friends.
Still even after i found out i maintained hope that when she was ready to date i would be in the frame as a good candidate. Over the course of the summer after seeing her have two more mini flings with people i came to conclusion that we were never going to happen as an item. this hurt me and away from home and all the things i rely on to get over difficult emotional periods i didn't know what to do and became a recluse for a couple of days. Even after a conversation with her to clear the air and her just being there for me as i had been so many times for her, i became emotionally better on an aesthetic point of view but inside i was hurting. I started to feel me and her drift apart and somehow even without us being in a relationship i had still managed to lose one of my closest friends.
she went back home before me and over that period had a one off thing with the guy from before the summer, even when she was speaking to me about it she was saying she felt bad because she believed he knew that it wasn't going to be anything other than kissing no relationship would come of it. But he had been ok with that and didn't care. She then went away with another group of friends and during this trip she started to really miss her ex, she was hanging onto the fact that after she had had her single period the decision would be all hers as to whether they got back together or not. And she could decide if she wanted to be with him or any of the other guys she had been with in between. we both get back home at the same time, and whilst i am and will always be there for her, i no longer felt i could tell her things and a she didn’t really feel that she could trust me. This hurt me once again and over the next three days we had long deep chats about us and what had really happened this summer. It left me feeling much better, I was sure we would remain friends. I have come to the conclusion i don’t want to date her,
then yesterday she says something which i don’t know why at the time but it started to make me hurt, she said after she had got with the guy from before the summer again "he knows that nothing will happen so its fine" "well until i know whether something will happen with me and my ex again or not" initially i believed i wasn’t over her and still wanted to be the guy she was with but today it hit me, i don’t like losing, it wasn’t that i wanted to be with her, it was that i had been the best me that i could possibly be for her and too her and had been in the pole position for months with her and somehow i lost the battle for who she would be with when she came to the realisation that her old relationship was over.
I’m not sure what to feel about this, on one hand i am happy with myself for firstly managing to get over a girl i was at one point prepared to wait for ever to be with and maintain a good friendship but on the other hand i was disappointed with myself for being so petty. Why should i feel hurt that i had given and shown her the best me that i could be, and not win. She wasn’t a competition she was a great friend and i must have treated her like she was a competition. Only i wonder if that is how she felt i treated her.
I would love to read your thoughts and views over what i have written and maybe some stories from you about what lessons you have learnt and how you learnt them
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